the past & present

a million things | one perfect portrait

Every night I lie in bed, the brightest colors fill my head. A million things are keeping me awake. The baby. The cat. But mostly my mind. There’s simply too much I want to do and not enough time to do it every day. This past year I’ve REALLY focused on simplifying and making it clear to myself what matters most. And I feel like I’ve done a good job staying true to that analysis. Until lately… It was easier when I was pregnant and then postpartum to not think about work. I simply didn’t have the energy. I didn’t even want to shoot. I still did for clients but not for me. And I was ok with that. I knew it just wasn’t the time and that my energy was going else where. Growing a baby. Delivering a baby. Helping my body get back to normal. Nine months in. Nine months out. And then like magic I felt like me again. Which is great. Except ME has a lot she wants to do. I just need two MEs. One me to be the mom/wife I want. And one me to be the artist I crave. Except there’s just ME, Liz. The struggle is real. I don’t even feel any outside pressure to do anything specific. It’s just my own little brain making life hard for itself. And so Vivie wakes me up. Or the new kitten wakes me up. And then I’m stuck. Awake. With a million dreams AND things calling to me.

Did you know if you get up in the middle of the night you can do whatever you want (assuming it’s a quiet activity) without much interruption? I mean you’re tired so there’s that. BUT no one else needs you. It’s amazing and awful at the same time.

Monday morning 1am-ish I was mentally going through all of the kids wardrobes wondering what I could put them in that morning to do a classic portrait of them. All FIVE. No easy task. I didn’t figure it out until morning when I dug through everyone’s bins to find a winning combination. And then of course I had to tweak it because GIRLS have opinions. Geeze. Why can’t they all just wear what I want like Peirce? “Sure mom,” he says. And then we finally get to the studio and Sienna was a total pill. It’s a good thing my photoshop and compositing skills and getting better every day because all I wanted was just one perfect portrait. That’s not so much to ask right!? And now that I have it I’m wondering if it’s too boring haha. Oh well. IT exists. All five. Serenely looking at the camera together. And now my irrational fears that one of them might die and I’ll miss out on this shot can rest. So there you go. Evening rambles because I’m tired and I’ve been compositing this beast all day long. I even painted it for a few hours. But I’m back to the original. Only cropped in tight so you can see their beautiful big eyes. I know I’m sick of this image right now, but last night when it was a fresh rough draft I was so excited to have them all together and I KNOW I will blink and they’ll be old soon and then it will mean that much more that I have this shot of them when they were all little together. One perfect portrait. Cross that off my list of a million things.

And while you’re at it, wish me luck that I can sleep tonight. I really really want to!

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